Who is the avatar and who is the woman?

I have had some amazing feedback from my post yesterday. Thank you all so much. I am even more excited to continue with this endeavor I’ve undertaken.

One of the suggestions I received was to write about this project. I was definitely going to do that. I am not going to follow a strick formula, and I expect it to change all the time. I mean, come on, my life has never been one to be constant, right? Haha. For instance, Day 5 below, is only of me/Kris sleeping. Yes, sleeping. I worked a 12 hour shift on Thursday from 7am-7pm, and a 12 hour shift the day before from noon to midnight, and I was just extremely exhausted. I barely wanted to turn on my computer much less take a picture of Gracie. I probably could have taken a pic of the computer screen turned off…haha, but I was too tired to think. So this pic is solo of just me, Kris. There may be days when I don’t want to take a pic of Kris either. Who knows. I am making this up as I go along and having fun doing it actually. Which is what life is all about, both real and virtual!! I am probably not going to give this much commentary for each picture, as a picture is worth a 1000 unsaid words, I believe. If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer them. And who knows, I  may change down the line. I’m just taking this day by day.

Some questions I have been thinking about in relation to identity in real and virtual life:

Who is the avatar and who is the woman?

How many roles do we play?

What’s in a name?

Who do I want to be?

Who Am I now?

What about authenticity as identity?

How has Gracie’s ideal beauty affected her/my life for the good? for the bad?And Kris, How has her non-ideal image affected her life? Would I have received more opportunities if I was thinner, prettier to the eye? How would my life be different?

What is the difference between Gracie and Kris? What is the same?

That’s it for now. I know I have more, but they will come as I go along. Day by day. Thank you so much for supporting my project!!!

(Disclaimer: I am still trying to wrap my head around the first person, second person, third person narrative of this project. I consider myself to be both Gracie and Kris. Gracie is an extension of Kris and Kris is an extension of Gracie. If I am referring to a specific picture, I will either say Kris or Gracie. But I may continue to also say me. As this is all about me. Hope that makes sense. I would love suggestions on this if you have any ))

The Gracie Kendal Project

For as far back as my memory allows, I had never found myself in a place I felt comfortable. My world has been in a constant state of change since I graduated High School, actually since my parents divorced when I was 12. I have moved in and out of my mom and stepdad’s house, had several roommates, had over 16 cars in 20 years of driving, changed my hair more times than I care to say, fluctuated my weight with the rising and setting of the sun and the list goes on… Needless to say, I have not felt comfortable in my own skin.

When I joined the web 2.0 virtual world known as Second Life www.secondlife.com, it was probably the first time I felt at home. My life within Second Life has remained pretty constant from the time I started. I bought a house and land and have lived there for almost 3 years now. My avatar, virtual representation, has pretty much remained the same. I have had the same body from the beginning and have only had a couple hairstyles that I have kept. In fact, I normally wear the same clothes, consisting of my jeans with paint splatters, a black t-shirt or tank top, my glasses and my Chuck Taylors. This is who I am. I am comfortable in this alternative/virtual skin, within my avatar known as Gracie Kendal. Although I still have deep personal issues I am working through in real life, I am consistantly inspired by who I am in Second Life. My avatar allows me to be free. I often feel more confident and I’m not scared to say what I feel. I know, that my avatar is run by who I am in real life. So the confidence and self esteem I exude in second life, does come from my real life self. But I don’t know where in my real life self it comes from. I want to explore this relationship more fully in this project.

I am currently a Graduate student in art at CSU Northridge. The current artwork I am creating, has to do with my identity in both real life and second life.

On November 1st, I started documenting my life in both worlds. This is going to be an ongoing project. I am going to document how Gracie Kendal inspires me to be a better person. I am going to show on a day to day basis, my real life self (I hate pictures of me, so this is not something I am taking lightly) juxtaposed with Gracie. We are both going to go on an exploration of our selves. And we will see where it leads. I am posting the documentation which I started on November 1st, and will try to keep up the blog on a daily basis. I would love any suggestions or critique you’d like to offer. Thank you so much for your support.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

I am an avatar. I am a woman. I am 36. I am single. I am thin. I am overweight. I am beautiful. I am not. I am a lover. I am not a fighter. I am a dreamer. I am a romantic. I am scared. I am strong. I am weak.  I am happy. I am unhappy. I am lost. I am found. I am alive. I am alone. I am lonely. I am free. I am enslaved. I am independent. I am dependent. I am loved. I am unloved. I am rich. I am poor. I am an artist. I am a creative. I am an expressionist. I am successful. I am unknown.  I am Gracie Kendal. I am Kris Schomaker. I am Tina. I am Kristine.

I am real.

I am me.

Am I?

Avatar or human as facade?

Thank you guys so much for your great comments to my previous post. I thought I’d respond to your comments with this post

I just had a great individual critique with my professor today, and we basically discussed body image and self esteem. She had actually seen this aspect in my work, even before I did..LOL She gave me a lot of ideas to ponder. The feminist aspect of what I’m doing for one. I mean, women have been fighting the same battles with body image, media, self esteem, power associated with the body, being judged based on looks (beauty contests make me sick), etc for a long time now. She has made me think about the idea of our RL bodies being a facade for what is underneath, what is inside. This vessel that we live in, is just that, a vessel, just like an avatar. Gracie is still me no matter what.

My professor pointed out that I am a very smart, organized, witty, sweet, generous, caring, considerate, energetic, passionate… (ok added a couple things there) woman, and that shows through in Second Life too.  The problems I am having are believing these… but I am working on that She did make me think about the idea of empowerment. Rather than juxtapose an image of Gracie with Kris looking contemplative, depressed the world at my feet, or staring down at my feet (seen in the previous post) why not show us both empowered, strong, confident.

That is one thing that Second Life has helped me with. I often say, that in a way Gracie has saved my life. I believe that… and she continues to do so on a daily basis.

Body image and the human

So I have been thinking a lot about body image lately. I saw this amazing mixed reality performance at CSU Long Beach on Sunday night. The artists, are also in Second Life, and have performed mixed reality shows before. This particular one called “Technesexual”  by Elle Mehrmand and Micha Cardenas- Is a live mixed media reality performance, in which the artists kissed in physical and virtual space. Biometric sensors monitored their heart rates, creating audio which was sent into Second Life, linking their physical bodies to their virtual avatars. (Taken from their description). The artists, were fearless. I was in awe. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Every now and then I’d look at the screen and see the pulsing from their beating hearts through the green radar above their heads, but all I could think, is how much I envied them for being so fearless. I wondered if I could do this. If I could be so brave to stand in front of a crowd of at least 30 people dancing, kissing, crying, laughing, talking.. etc, in virtually nothing. I have had so much fear in my life lately, I was jealous.

It really got me thinking about body image and self esteem. Personally, I have struggled with both for a very long time. Having an avatar in Second Life who has the “right” Proportions (ideally according to the media, and what I feel I should look like) I thought would help me in the real world. It has I have said, that Gracie Kendal, is an idealized version of myself. A friend said, “no that isn’t right, you would be putting your real self down then. You are just as beautiful in real life as Gracie is in Second Life.” I have a hard time seeing that. I don’t know if its because of the media’s construction of beauty that has been pushed on me for so long or criticism from people close to me. All I can remember since I was young is being concerned with body image. I see people around me today, men especially who gawk and drool over the “model” type women who come across their path. And I know, I KNOW that I would never want a guy who was that shallow anyway, but instances like that can be very depressing. When for so long one is disregarded, because they aren’t beautiful visually… I don’t know.

Anyway, as my art gets more personal, and I start to focus on identity, especially mine, you will see a lot more musings of my life as a human and an avatar…and the connection between the two. My mixed reality.

"The Virtual Possibility of Life in the Mind of Somone Living"

“Self Portrait as an Avatar”

So it’s 1245am…and I couldn’t sleep. I had been laying in bed for almost an hour, listening to my clock radio playing Abba “Dancing Queen” (couldn’t keep my feet from tapping with the time) and just couldn’t fall asleep. I have been so overwelmed this last 2-3 weeks with so much on my mind, that I decided I had to just spill. I have been trying to work on my artist statement, or at least some type of statement as to what I want to do for my thesis project. After many pages of notes and rough drafts, I realized that this is mostly for my blog, so why not wing it and see what I write through stream of consciousness. It’s not official, its just a blog about my life.

I have wanted to sort out what I am doing as an artist especially as it pertains to Second Life and Gracie. I think I realized that artists never really get anything sorted out, as a good friend would say “You can’t be an artist, you’re too organized!”

So the last 3ish weeks, I have been thinking about the idea of my avatar, Gracie Kendal, as my self portrait, as my work of art. I created her in the ‘image’ of me almost 3 years ago. Yes, she is an ideal image, at least visually, but what does that matter? I am the artist, expressing myself. Creating a self portrait is normally a self exploration, a cathartic experience in which the artist really analyzes themselves. Sometimes they depict their history, their life, sometimes they create self portraits that are strictly fantasy in which they stage a scene with characters. Artists create self portraits to help portray their hopes and dreams. They create psychological representations of themselves, as is the case of Frida Kahlo and Van Gogh. They are autobiographical, telling a story of their life. They are a way of searching into their inner souls. In the 3 years I have lived with Gracie Kendal, I have learned so much about myself. I had told a friend, that Gracie probably saved my life, more than I know.

I am 36 years old, and have grown up in a continously changing, renewing, progressing, evolving world. Technology advances at an ever faster rate, every second. Our society has become more and more immersed in social media, and it is changing our lives. My generation seems to be trying to find its way in this new era. I am one of these people, kinda lost and overwelmed in teh jumble of networks. Second life, Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Plurk?? Why, why why???

I have been an abstract painter for over 10 years. I love to paint, getting my fingers wet with color, the feel of the blow dryer in my hands manipulating the paint on the canvas, controlling chaos, pushing the boundaries of modernism’s abstract expressionism into the postmodern climate. So having immersed myself in these social media networks, I have engaged with new technology more than I ever thought I would as an artist. I have embraced the idea of merging my art with this new technology and am going to focus on the idea of avatar and identity. Not necessarily in a broad general sense, but on a much more personal level, as my self portrait.

Gracie Kendal allows me to play and work as an artist and a woman, she lets me explore and experience those roles that society has formerly devalued. She allows me to work through my own personal issues with self-esteem, shyness, relationships. I can search for what I truelly want. Through Gracie I am able to find out what I want in life, in love, in art, in work, in success… I have become more aware of myself through Gracie. (My counselor will love that I said that..LOL)

Yes, I know the question you are all burning to ask… I have dated in Second Life. I have fallen in love through Second Life. I am a young, beautiful, single woman, so why not? It is sad to say, that my relationships have not worked out. I believe mainly because I was looking for love for all the wrong reasons. I learned this through Gracie. It is so easy to meet people in Second Life. I have some of the best friends in the world, who are genuine, generous, loyal, respectful, sweet, amazing people. But, I know, I KNOW, I can’t be with someone because they make me feel special. I have to feel special for myself. Gracie has helped me realize this…

to be continued… (considering its 142am and I’m still awake…ugh!!!)

The secret life of Gracie Kendal…

When I first found Second Life two and a half years ago, my best friend Jordan, had a show for me in her gallery. We titled it “The Secret Lives of Gracie Kendal.” It’s funny, as you grow up and mature in Second Life, you start to think about who you are and what you want in all lives. I am finding that it isn’t so ’secret’ after all. And really it never was. Of course, we all have parts of ourselves we don’t share with anyone…and in that case, we do have secret lives… but for my part, my life as Gracie  is as much real and public as my life as Kris. In fact. I consider Gracie my pen name or pseudonym so to speak. Sooo many great artists and writers have/had them, so why not me. (Ugh..we won’t go into facebooks recent banning of alternate names…LOL)

Anyway, as most of you know, I am working on my Graduate degree in Art. I plan on graduating in May of 2010. Yes finally for those of you rolling your eyes…LOL This next year is going to be a great time for me. I am working on my thesis project. I am still working on and thinking about what it is going to involve. I do know for sure it is going to involve Second Life and Gracie Kendal and “my so-called secret life” there. Which isn’t going to be so secret anymore.

I wanted to start by telling you how I got involved in Second Life. But actually before that, I wanted to explain something. Whether I talk about Gracie or Kris in the first, second or third person, which I may do, they are all the same. It is all me. I am Gracie and Kris all the time. Someone called out the name Gracie the other day at the grocery store, and I instinctively turned around…LOL And, when I see the name Kris in Second Life, I have to take a double take. Although some of my friends in Second Life do call me Kris. It’s quite intriguing and funny at the same time.  But really… I was born Kristine, and ever since, my parents and family call me Tina and of course my friends call me anything from Kris to Kristy to Krissy to Kristine… Soooo what is the difference??

Ok, so the story begins…

In October of 2006, my aunt and uncle told me about Second Life. A month before, they had read about the music scene in Spin Magazine. They told me I really had to check it out. It was an amazing place for Art, music and so many other things So on October 2, 2006 I joined Second Life. I was very very lucky. As soon as I got in, I gave my aunt my name, she IMd me and tpd me to where she was. She took me shopping that day, where I bought my skin, shape, hair and clothes. Which to be honest, I still have. So many people change their skins and shapes all the time, but I like mine so much, I don’t want to change. Although I’ve tried..I always go back So I explored, going to all sorts of malls and even Archan (If you remember what that was..LOL). Actually In Archan, I met a friend who I am still friends with to this day. Within the first week, I had a condo, furniture and had started an art collection. It was amazing.

The next week, I had established my own little art gallery “Gracie Kendal Designs” where I showed my own art, paintings that I had created for the past 8 years. I uploaded digital photos of them into Second Life and exhibited them. It was sooo exciting. I started realizing the potential. People from all over the world were actually seeing my art. Art that up till then had only been shown and sold to friends and family. While I was at my gallery, I made many amazing friends who I will cherish always.

Within a couple months of being there, I was offered a solo show at Enigmatic Artworks to be held in December 2006. I will say, that experience set the bar high for all of the shows in Second Life since. I will always remember and hold a high regard for Amie Collingwood and Whisker Ophelia. I thank them for opening so many doors for me. My career in Second Life has only become more successful because of them. Thank you so much.

I have had many more solo shows since then, as well as being named in 2007 one of the top 10 best creation artists in Second Life.

Since becoming a part of the art community in Second Life 2 and a half years ago, my life has changed. I have made some amazing life-long friends all around the world. I have grown as an artist and as a person. My experiences here, all of them, have shaped who I am today and who I will become…and I am soo excited about the endless possibilities for the future.

More next time…

Identity and the avatar…

Yep, can you believe it??  A new post after only a couple days..well I am going to work on keeping it up… this blog is part of the new project.

I have been talking with my good friend Chrome Underwood about my new project. We had a great discussion yesterday about identity and the avatar. I have some great ideas I am really excited about, but still new, so don’t want to spill all the beans right away.

However, I have been thinking of identity and the avatar. So many people in the real world, don’t understand what it means to have an avatar, much less how it feels. They laugh at us, and think we are just playing a silly game. If you are in Second Life, than you know that is not true. (Well for most of us anyway!) Of course, I can only speak for myself in this regard. My avatar Gracie Kendal, is an extenstion of me. Her personality, the way she dresses, her art, her relationships,  her house, her dogs… I don’t hide anything. Now sometimes that can get me into trouble…LOL (won’t go there!!) But for the most part… Gracie is true.

This leads me to a quote that I found… first while reading some Baudrillard (which I have to reread to fully understand) but then I found it on the Ars Virtua Gallery website… “The simulacrum is never what hides the truth- it is the truth that hides the fact that there is none. The simulacrum is true.”  ~Ecclesiastes   (Jean Baudrillard The Precession of the Simulacra)  I absolutely believe this is key to my art!! For myself, as I don’t want to speak for you, I believe this wholeheartedly. I have often believed that my second life is more true than my real life. Although, this is changing a bit, as I have learnt to balance the two, and they both bring me truth in their own way, I don’t feel like I am hiding in Second Life, like I sometimes do in real life.

So I am going to start thinking more about the idea of a simulacrum as it relates to our identity. When you look at it on the outside, it looks like we do hide in Second Life. We seem to escape into the other reality where we can shape it to however we want. We can right wrongs we have made in the past, undo regrets, live out our fantasies, our hopes and dreams. It can be said its about instant gratification, which is what our society is all about now adays. A hope and dream is in the future. Why wait when you can have it tonight?!?!?! (Sounds like a 50’s TV commercial) You can be anything you want, do anything you want. (well mostly) And you can change. No one is there to tell you you are an idiot for changing jobs, homes, genders… you are free. What does it mean to be free? How does this shape our identity? How does the avatar, the idea we can be whoever or whatever we want, help us find truth?

My so called second Life…

The title of this post is taken from a Times article from Dec of 2006, and also a panel discussion that was held at the College Art Association conference in Feb of this year. I think its a great way to start my new art endeavor.

As most of you know, I am a Grad student at California State University in Northridge. I was originally an Art History Grad student finishing all of my course work and working on my thesis, when I made the huge decision to change objectives to Studio Art. I am an artist. I realized, I am not a scholar. I love Art, all aspects of it, the past, present and future, the culture, the community, the controversy and the comraderie. I feel my life would be incomplete without it.

Being a part of the Art Community in Second Life(SL) has been an amazing experience. Growing up in SL the last 2 and a half years has also been an experience I will never forget.

As most of you also know, I am a painter in real life(RL). I upload digital photos of my work into Second Life to exhibit. This last year, I have been trying to reconcile my art and SL. What do I do here? I don’t create specifically SL based art using the tools that are available here but I know we are all immersed in a new and exciting moment for art. We are at the beginning of something that is already being written about in Art History books. (See “Digital Art” By Christiane Paul) It is an amazing time.

My last couple weeks in school, have really got me thinking about who I am as an artist and a person. Although frankly, I’ve been questioning who I am as a person for the last few years. Luckily, this last year, I have really started to find myself..yay!!! Being an artist within SL and the art community there, has really helped shape who I am. It has really got me thinking about where I want to go with my art. I have decided to take my art solely within Second Life. I am not going to create art within SL, but actually use SL as my art. I am going to use Gracie Kendal as my art. Her life and times, her so called life. Gracie as an artist in this community, the freinds she’s made, the relationships she’s had…even the wild penis in the window story (Ummm more later). I realize this is going to get very personal for me. Something I haven’t really dealt with in my art. My abstract art, has been personal on a very different tip of the iceberg level. But dealing with the life of Gracie, Is totally different.

I had talked with my mentor about this. I asked her, what is the media/medium going to be? She said it really doesn’t. Don’t worry about that. Think more abstractly. Funny, I can paint abstractly just fine, but thinking it…is sooo much harder. I am a very analytical, logical person. Object based as she put it. She said I have to stop thinking of the artist as a maker of objects (I LOVE Duchamp!!)

Just some basic ideas I have for this new project… Thinking about my career/life within SL as the art.. maybe ways to document my travels within SL… and other ideas:  machinima, SL photography, this blog…  During RL crits in School, I will not have my RL art, but rather show SL projected on a screen for the class to critique… (not sure what I’ll show them yet)… I will still create RL art, but it won’t be shown in RL…It will only be accessible within SL.

Other concepts for this project… Thinking about Sl and ideal beauty. The Avatar as mask. I could address my avatar, change her- play her up/Glam… etc. Reinvent myself within SL (Don’t think I can do this..but its an idea)- Avatar as content- series of self portraits as avatar… think about escape/fantasy (as it relates to my life and in general)- Can look at the idea of a beautiful woman being an artist, is that possible? Will it help or hinder her? How does that change within SL vs RL? Thinking about artist as persona, spectacle, performance- the cult of personality. Think about writing my own narrative, almost a journal or diary, etc.

This is all more a brainstorming session…But I’d love your feedback..I am really excited about this project and am really looking forward to working on it over the summer.

Thank you so so much ))

A crisis of Confidence…

So yesterday I was struggling with the idea of identity.

In Second Life I am known as Gracie Kendal. Face Book, Gracie Kendal- Twitter, Gracie Kendal- Myspace, Gracie Kendal- LinkedIn, Gracie Kendal….

Where do you draw the line between RL representation and SL representation? As an artist in RL, I upload my works to Second Life and sell digital virtual copies of my work. I use SL to help get my work out there to a worldwide audience. No one can deny that SL is wonderful for that. But where is the line drawn for crossing over into RL? I applied for the MA in painting Fall of 2008. When I first approached the painting professors with my art and artist statement. They said, one thing that drew me to them, was Second Life. Would I have been accepted on my art ability alone? How long do I use my SL persona and the idea of SL to promote my art? I am going to apply for my MFA February 5th, and I am worried that if I get accepted it will be on the basis of SL. That my art won’t be able to stand alone without it. Especially in the contemporary established artworld that I am trying to break into. How do I incorporate SL into my artist statement. My art hasn’t necessarily been about SL, although my most recent works, come from the emotional rollar coaster that I have gone through from my experiences in SL. How do I put that in my artist statement. I am challenging myself to use SL more IN my art, rather than for my art.

How do I use the social networking tools out there to promote both Gracie Kendal and Kristine Schomaker?

Ugh!!!  I am overwelmed with these thoughts. Trying to make some sense.

I’d love your comments, advice and help, since most of you can understand where I am coming from.

Thank you so so much.

I look forward to hearing from you ))