Kris- So what’s up with the new look?

Gracie- What new look?

K- The hair, the clothes, the necklace?

G- Oh those? Well I decided it was time to go shopping. You haven’t taken me shopping in ages, I thought it was about time. Maybe you should take the hint, and go shopping yourself?

K- Yea easier in Second Life. Doesn’t cost as much.

G- Well save up for it then.

K- Yea.

G- Uh huh, don’t YEA me. It’s amazing how much better I feel, with just a new do, new shirt and necklace.

K- Yea, I’m sure. I like the hair a lot. It looks like mine.

G- Yea, I know. That’s why I chose it. Although I got a lighter version, because I think you need to lighten your hair.

K- Really? I was growing it out au naturale.

G- Yea, I know. Forget that, you look better blond.

K- Haha, thanks.

G- Anytime.

K- Ok so anything else you want to critique me on?

G- Ummm well. Ice Cream?

K- Moving on.

G- Uh, no. I know you have had some the last couple days. Why are you doing that to yourself? You know, you always feel awful afterwards. Think about that before you have some again. Maybe that will help.

K- Yea, I’ll try.

G- Hmmm you’re awfully quiet tonight. Why am I the talkative one?

K- Good question. Maybe because of your new do…haha

G- Well, seeeeee, you need one!!!

K- Yea, well I want to grow mine out a little first. Then we’ll see.

G- Ok, I’ll hold you to that.

K- Ok.

G- So, what else is new? Ohhh, did you see I was test driving a jeep? Ummm yea, I ended up going into the river, but it was fun.

K- Yea, what are you trying to do make me jealous?

G- Nah, if I was trying to make you jealous, I would have been driving a Toyota 4×4 truck.

K- Haha, yea true.

G- Well, it’s my life here, I can do what I want, when I want, how I want, etc. etc. etc. There is nothing holding me back. Ok, nothing holding you back. So what are you waiting for?

K- Yea, good question. That is a huge question. I have been trying to figure that out. I have been thinking again lately about my philosophy of life. Carpe Diem, Life is too short, Follow your dreams and all that stuff… But why can’t I do that. What is holding me back? ‘

G- Hmmm good question. Responsibilities?

K- Yea I think that’s it. I wish I could win the lottery.

G- Yea, you and the whole world. You can’t count on that. You can’t count on things falling into your lap. You need to go out and get them. Work hard. Life is not easy. You may think it is. I mean ice cream is easy, but life is hard. You need to work at it. YOU need to work harder. You expect too much of yourself and you don’t exert the energy you need to grab what you want. It’s in your grasp.  Go for it!!!

K- Geez, what did you have to eat today?? You are acting all wise and stuff.

G- Ummmm I think, WE had ice cream… so I don’t know where that smart stuff came from. It sure wasn’t from food. But, seriously. You have a lot of work to do, and only you can help yourself. No one can help you.

K- I know, you’re right. I know you’re right.

G- Ok then.

K- Ok.

So I have a confession…

Well, first, I know this whole project seems like one long confession. I always wonder how much I should reveal and how much I should conceal. Unfortunately for me, sometimes I just don’t know when to keep my mouth shut. Haha.

Anyway, It’s been a pretty cathartic experience, this whole project. I have come to see myself in new, different, interesting, sometimes good and sometimes bad ways. I look at some of the pictures I take and think, Oh My God, I just don’t like how I look. I can see myself getting bigger through the photos. I can feel myself getting bigger through my clothes. It’s not pretty or funny.

I actually had a good week this week. I went grocery shopping, bought some healthier foods, cooked and even took my lunch to work. I even went without ice cream for a couple days. Then I went to work on Wednesday and Friday. Both days were fine. But, it was work, it was a job, a mundane experience where I sit behind a desk in front of the computer answering phones. (Hmmmm I should really think about this sitting in front of the computer thing.. I think that is a key). So, I sat there watching people eat all around me, and I was hungry. Or I think I was. I don’t know. I have a hard time reading my body in that regard. I had the idea that M&M’s sounded really really good. So I got some from the vending machine. I got M&M’s each day I worked. Wednesday, Friday and Saturday night. They were good. They were fulfilling for the time. Come on they are M&M’s. Can’t go wrong. Except later on when you start to see “M&M” tattooed on your thighs. Geez, I haven’t even gotten to my confession yet.

Ok so I worked last night, Saturday night, a graveyard shift. From 7pm-7am. It was an interesting night to say the least. Weirdo patients, the computer system went down, slow at first then busier early in the morning, then we heard about an accident at 5am. A fatality on the 210 freeway, 3 of 5 family members passed away. I was exhausted and on the verge of tears. I ask myself, “Why do I work here?” I guess why do we have jobs to begin with. I need the money. I have to pay bills. Ok I’m getting off track. I took the picture of me for Day 22 at 6am this morning.  I was so tired and thinking of the family that lost their lives this morning. I have always believed that life is too short. I believe in Carpe Diem. I believe we have to live in the moment, for the moment and not be scared. Well what I believe and what I do sometimes are in opposition.

So confession… I woke up at noon today and went and got Ice Cream. Yep, Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream from Baskin Robbins. This is after eating a sandwich. I just got a craving and thought it would make me feel better. And of course, as I savoured the dark chocolate and mint flavor in my mouth. It was so good. That is all I thought of. Then when the container was empty, It all came back. “Hey, what the hell am I doing?” I’m sure Gracie is asking the same question, you can see the sad look in her face. Ok, another confession. I did this yesterday too. Bought Ice Cream. Yea, I know. Not good.

So, I have said it before and I will say it again, until it’s true… “This is the last time!! Tomorrow morning I am going to go walk.” I hope.

Gracie- Do you date?

Kris- Ummm, what do you mean?

G- You know what I mean.

K- Ok. Ok. I have dated a little bit, yes.

G- Are you currently dating?

K- No.

G- Why not?

K- Because no one has asked me.

G- I think that’s an excuse.

K- I know. I used to be braver. I used to be more forward and ask guys out, but I got tired of being the one initiating.

G- Yea, I can see why that would be frustrating.

K- Well, it’s funny. I have learned a lot about myself dating in Second Life.

G- Why is that funny?

K- Well I guess it’s not funny, per se. It’s actually a good thing. I have learned that I don’t have to like or love every guy I meet. I don’t have to settle. I know what I like and want in a guy and a relationship. Now that is not to say that I will sit around waiting for the perfect guy, because there is no perfect guy. There is just a perfect guy for me.

G- Yea, that’s a good way of looking at it.

K- Well I have fallen in love in Second Life. Oh geez. Look who I’m talking to. Of course you know that. I mean, WE have fallen in love. WE have almost gotten married in Second Life. WE have had much heartache and WE have gotten over it and moved on.

G- Yes, WE have. So what do YOU want? YOU are a beautiful, intelligent, witty, sexy woman. Why are you single?

K- That’s a very good question. I think part of it is my issues with body image, self esteem and confidence. I am also a little shy.

G- Yea right. You, shy??!!

K- Well as Jordan has said, I’m more timid.

G- Hmmmm…

K- And of course, I’m afraid of rejection.

G- Well who isn’t?

K- I know. But when you are rejected so much, it kinda reinforces the idea that maybe you’re not good enough.

G- OMG!!! I so wish I could go over there and slap some sense into you!!

K- Geez Thx!! Hey, I have dated a little. There were a couple guys I liked but in the end they weren’t “available.” I have come to realize and accept that it’s not me. To be honest, I say it’s their loss. It does sadden me, because I think they are really great guys. But not much I can do if they just aren’t into me enough to date me. Luckily we are still good friends.

G- So, why aren’t you dating now?

K- Well as you know, I stopped online dating in Second Life a little while ago.

G- Yea, I know!!! It’s pretty depressing. I think you need to pick that up again

K- Yea, you would say that!  But you know, I was having a really hard time. There are guys I have liked, but I eventually stopped seeing them, because they couldn’t give me what I wanted and needed. I want a real partner. I want a warm hand to hold. A warm body to touch. I know it’s possible to meet someone in Second Life and have a fulfilling relationship. People meet all the time and have gotten together in real life, even so far as moving to different countries and getting married. But I can’t pin my hopes on that.

G- But you have met a few guys from Second Life in real life.

K- I know and they were exciting, fun, happy times. I went to Scotland to meet one guy. Well, of course, that wasn’t the only reason I went to Europe. but it was a purk. As you know, the guys I met ended up not being “available” either. Mostly because no one wanted a commitment.

G- Why do you always find guys that aren’t available?

K- That’s another very good question. I think its become a pattern in my life. I definitely need to break it.

G- Well, Yea!!!

K- Well, I do know I need to be happy with myself before I can truly be happy with someone. As you know, I’m working on that.

G- Yea you are.

K- I’m also a romantic. I’m holding out for that guy who is gonna sweep me off my feet. I deserve that.

G- Yea you do, but you can always play the field in the mean time. Even online dating in Second Life. I won’t mind. Who knows, you may be on the same field with ’the guy’ in either life and not even know it.

K- Uh huh!! You wish!!

Day 19:

Gracie- How are you feeling?

Kris- Pretty good actually.

G- Yea?

K- Yea. Had a good day. We had a guest artist come and talk about his art. He was pretty amazing! I felt really confident talking to him and introducing him and was proud of myself.

G- Wow!! That’s great!!

K- Yea! Well the only thing though… I was craving ice cream. All through the talk and after we had a little get together in the Shed for the Painting Guild Show, and I was thinking of Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream from Baskin Robbins.

G- Uh oh!!

K- I know!!!

G- and…

K- Well I got in my car to go home and thought about it. I had just gone grocery shopping this morning and had plenty of stuff at home. So I  thought of the sandwich I could make. I started driving home, almost turning into the Baskin Robbins parking lot, but I didn’t. I drove home and made a sandwich.

G- OMG!!! That’s so great!!! Congratulations!!!!

K- Thank you )

G- WOW!!! I am so proud of you!!!

K- Thx. Me too!!

G- Good you should be. There are so many more benefits to eating healthy than there are to eating Ice Cream.

K- Yea, I know. I’ve been thinking of that.

G- WOW!! I’m still so thrilled.

K-

G- So what else is new?

K- Well I went to apply for graduation for May 2010. Found out I had already applied previously and didn’t have to pay the $47. I was thrilled with that.

G- Yea I bet.

K- Yea. Helped Erynn pin her mylar pieces for her art. It was nice to sit and chat with her. Basically had a good day. It was beautiful out too. Rebecca asked if I wanted to walk with her to school, but I thought about it and it is dark when class gets out and I didn’t want to walk home in the dark. So didn’t. It did sound great though.

G- Yea, well next time.

K- Yea. So I have to work tomorrow.

G- Oh yea. Well just consider yourself lucky to have a job.

K- Oh yea, I totally am. I just still dread it a bit. I’m just afraid of having another bad day.

G- Well you may, but you have to take that chance. You went to work on Wednesday and It was fine, wasn’t it?

K- Yea, it was.

G- You can’t live in fear. You should know that more than anyone. You have been living in fear for the last couple years. Get over it already!!!!

K- Hey, you  know I’m working on it!! Give me a break!!

G- Yea I know. And you are doing a great job.

K- Thx.

G- Your welcome! So again, let’s go over this. Tomorrow you go to work and just do your job and get over whatever happened. Don’t waste energy on it. It isn’t worth it.

K- Yea, I need to remember that. That is exactly what I would normally say and think. I just have to remember. You know I have a bad memory.

G- Geesh, yea, I know.. the worst!!!

…

K- So let me ask you something.

G- Yea?

K- I have been reading a few posts lately about people leaving Second Life.

G- Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

K- Ok Ok, I’ll stop there… Just didn’t know how you really felt about it.

G- OMG!! How can you not. I mean, don’t forget I am you…Duh!!!!!

K- Yea yea… well Second Life is a part of my life. So we are there to stay.

G- Thank you!!!

K- Your very welcome!!

Gracie- Sighs!!!!

Kris- What???

Gracie- So, How was your Tuesday?

Kris- It was ok.

G- Just ok?

K- Yea..hahaha

G- Why are you laughing?

K- Oh I was thinking that whenever anyone asks how I am, which is quite often, I always say, “I’m ok.”

G- Is that bad?

K- No, It could be worse. It could be better.

G- True.

K- It’s just boring. I was talking to Micah earlier, and I asked him how he was. He said, “I’m excellent.” I was thinking, WOW, to feel excellent would be amazing. I get tiny bits of ‘good’ every once in a while, but I don’t know if I’ve ever had excellent. I guess it’s something to strive for.

G- Yea, absolutely. So you are feeling ok? What’s on your mind?

K- Oh, my job of course.

G- Why your job?

K- Just thinking of what happened on Saturday and dreading going in tomorrow. You should never dread going to work. That is a not a good thing.

G- No, you should love where you work.

K- I don’t mind it, really. Except when things happen like they did on Saturday.

G- Well you talked with your counselor about it today, how did that go?

K- Sighs!!! It was really good, but I can’t remember most of it.

G- Really?

K- Yea. I remember talking about the idea that it was important that I was able to defend myself even if I didn’t “win” per se. It showed a little bit of confidence coming through which is a good thing. It’s funny, everyone I have told about the argument has said, “You? In an argument?” Hahaha No one, even myself, had ever expected ME to get into an argument. That is just not my style.

G- Well maybe it is a good thing. You have been going through so much lately that maybe you are starting to open up and really “feel” again.

K- Yea, maybe. But I still am second guessing myself. I have very high expectations for myself and when someone attacks me verbally in the way I was attacked and made to feel so small, It really strips away your/my confidence. I have to realize, that I am not perfect. No one is. I can’t expect to be.

G- That’s a start. I mean even I’m not perfect. As ideal as you may think I am, I’m really not. Did you see me sitting in meditation the other day? My legs were all distorted… geesh!!! And of course, you didn’t use THAT picture did you? Why? Because it showed an imperfection in me, Gracie! You need to get used to the idea that I’m not perfect either.

K- Good point. So you want me to start taking pictures of your imperfections?

G- Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but you will have to see where things go. Take it day by day.

K- Yea true.

G- Ok, so, you work tomorrow, Wednesday, right?

K- Yea.

G- What are you going to do? What if the person is there who made you feel bad about yourself?

K- I don’t know.

G- Well first, you have to stop caring what other people think of you. Like your counselor said, you can’t think of other people. They may talk. So what? You are better than that. Move on.

K- Yea, I know. I need to remember that.

G- Yes!!! People say mean things all the time. Who knows why. They may have had a bad day, week or year. You can’t let it get to you!!!

K- yea, I know. As the days go on, I am getting over it. And I’m sure when I go to work tomorrow, I will be ok. It’s just the first day back since it happened so I’m dreading it.

G- Yea, but it will be fine. Just be yourself. Don’t think about anyone else.

K- Yea, thx.

G- So what else have you been up to? I heard you ate horribly yesterday?

K- Ummmm yea. Well, to tell you the truth, all I ate was 2 quarts of mint chocolate chip ice cream and some M&M’s.

G- OMG, Why???

K- Well, good question. Maybe because it was there, and I could? I know it was awful. It was horrible. Today at least I had California Chicken Cafe… first. Well then I had ice cream this evening.

G- Geezzzzzz!!!

K- Yea, I know. I know.

G- No, apparently, you don’t!!!

K- Gee Thx. Give me some credit, at least.

G- For what? You aren’t stopping? Why can’t you stop?

K- I don’t know. Ice cream, M&M’s and Del Taco are convenient. They are easy. I think It’s a control thing. I can control what I eat by eating the bad stuff. I feel better when at least something in my life is in control.

G- What do you mean?

K- Well I guess I feel like right now my life is out of control. Well, not completely. I mean I am not THAT bad. Just overwhelmed, so it feels out of control. Sometimes.

G- But you are working on it, right?

K- Yes I am. One day at a time

G- Good.

K- Hey, question for ya?

G- Yea?

K- Who is the hot guy you are chatting up on Day 17?

G- Hahahaha, Chrome? Oh, he’s an amazing artist and a great confident and friend. Come on, you know him!!! He’ll like that you called him hot though!!

K- Hahahaha. Yea, I’m sure he will.

G- Better not let Juliette find out you think he’s hot though!!

K- Yea, really!! She’s a tough broad. Well, Hey, I’m getting good at arguing. Not necessarily winning, but at least I am learning!!

Gracie- How are you feeling?

Kris- I’m better, Thanks.

G- Are you sure?

K- No…haha

G- Yea I understand. Yesterday was a tough day. Do you want to talk about it?

K- Yea, but not sure what I want to say. I am blaming most of it on PMS. That is an excuse, but I’m sure that was a catalyst of what happened.

G- So what happened?

K- Oh, It was partly my fault. I think I was being a little childish. I was reacting to someone reacting to me, and it just went downhill fast and caused us both to just break down in our own ways.

G- Hmmmmmmm.

K- Yea I know. I am trying to understand what happened. I am just tired of needy people. I am tired of always being the good guy, always catering to everyone and expecting to be perfect. Because, I am soooo not perfect. Even if I have high expectations for myself. I finally tried to stand up for myself and I just feel even worse now.

G- So what are you going to do about it?

K- I don’t know. I am still trying to get over the pain of criticism and having my feelings dismissed. That seems like it happens way too much. Well next time I won’t be PMSing, so I won’t be such a bitch. I will try to be the grown up and move on, even though I know it’s gonna be hard to be in that environment again. But I will have to learn to get over it.

G- Well I think you have some good ideas. You do look tired on Day 14, was that after it happened?

K- Yea, I should have taken a picture of me crying but I didn’t think about it at the time.  Unfortunately, I am looking very tired in most of my pictures lately. The time change, just isn’t helping my sleep habits.

K- Well I admit I didn’t take this picture of me on Day 15. My friend Rick took it with my camera while we were hanging the painting guild show.

G- Well that’s ok. This project is still new and you are still experimenting with different things. And it’s a great picture of you. It shows your spirit, your personality and energy.

K- Thank you

G- Your welcome!! Rick is a great photographer. He was right to talk you out of deleting this picture.

K- Yea, he was.

Kris- Who are you?

Gracie- What do you mean?

K- I mean, Who are you?

G- I’m Gracie.

K- Well, I know that, but, Who are you?

G- I’m you.

K- Well, I know that too, but what does that mean?

G- What do you want it to mean?

K- Ugh!!!

G- Seriously, Who do you think I am?

K-I think you are a representation of me. My surrogate. My Proxy. I think you are someone who I want to be.

G- Ummmm…..

K- Well, ok, I am already you, but I am more comfortable being you than being me. I am not comfortable in my skin. I feel more like myself in yours.

G- Why do you think that is?

K- Well, I’m not sure. Part of it is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being judged or being looked down on because I am not ideal for our society.

G- but… hmmmm.

K- When I am you, I am free to be real. I am free to come out of hiding.

G- Why are you hiding?

K-Well I don’t know that I’m hiding, per se, but it comes downn to that rejection thing again. I don’t know.

G-Yea me neither. So what are you eating right now?

K- Ummmm, why do you ask?

G-Because I know it can’t be good. So spill.

K- *rolls eyes* M&M’s

G- Ugh!!! I thought you quit cold turkey??

K-I did.

G- So?

K- So?

G- Why did you start again?

K- Because they sounded good.

G- Uh huh!

K- Well they did. Ok, plus I’m sitting at work and I got the munchies. Especially where I’m working and who I’m working with today. It’s comfort food.

G- Yea, I know. But you need to stop. It’s just not good for you. Think of Dad!! Don’t forget he died at 50 years old from a heart attack. You’re 36. You need to think about your health.

K- Yea I know. I hear ya. But it’s easier said than done.

G- But you have to try!! Please???

K- I am trying. I walked over 2 miles this morning.

G- I know, that’s great!! I’m proud of you!! Now, keep it up!!

K- Thx.

G-So tell me about this project that I seem to be starring in.

K-Well I really look up to you. To me. Ugh!! I like who I am in you. You are living the way I want to live. You are a successful artist. You own a home. You have guys contacting you all the time.

G- Pfffttt!!! Yea and look how those relationships turned out.

K-Well, I admit meeting someone online is risky.

G- Uh huh!!

K-Ok, but I envy you.

G-Why? I am you.

K- I know. I know. I envy the freedom you have.

G- But, I am you!!!!

A little while later…

G- So I was wondering, Why do you feel the need to post this on a blog, on the internet?

K- Well I think it’s important. I believe a lot of people can relate to what I’m talking about. I feel like it’s almost a support group. In fact I consider it a community based collaboration. It’s almost like I’m journaling my experience. Trying to find my identity. A blog just seems like the best way to go about exploring and documenting this experience.

G- Our identity?!

K- Yes, Our identity.

G- You have been struggling with this for a while now haven’t you?

K- Yea, I admit I have. I have been lost for a long time. Sometimes I seem to find a familiar path to follow, but then I get lost again. It’s funny really, because I am great with maps and directions. So why is it so hard to find myself?

G- Maybe you need to find a new map?

And… a little while later…

G- What are you eating now??

K- Ummmm, nothing?

G- Yea, right!! I thought I told you to stop?

K- You did and I forgot. The story of my life.

G- What are we gonna do with you, with us??

K- Sighs!! Good question.

And…. a little while later…

G- Did you just stand your ground with that woman?

K- I sure did.

G- Wow! I’m impressed!

K- Hahaha, yea me too. It felt pretty good. I’m tired of doing things for everyone because I am so “nice.” It felt good to say what I feel and not care what anyone thinks.

G- Good for you!!

So, I had a critique yesterday in my photography class. This was the first time I have really shown my project in “public” per se. I was pretty nervous. I had sent an email to my professor over a week ago asking if she could send the link for my blog to the class, as this blog is a huge part of the artwork. She did. The class had a week to check it out. Well, hardly anyone did. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I know it’s towards the end of the semester and everyone is scrambling to do their work, but I was rather frustrated. In a class that is as critique intensive as this, I would hope to get the same respect for my art as I give to the other students. I am just venting because this is really important to me. It’s very personal, and to put myself out there, work so hard and to be dismissed the way I was, was disappointing.

Anways, that being said, I wanted to talk about a few suggestions that were brought up. Here is an image of how I had the pictures displayed for the critique.

A huge idea that was brought up was whether I was aware of the camera when I took the photos of my real life self. I have been thinking about this all day. Does it matter, if I “pose”?  This is for documentation after all. I guess I have to consider what I’m documenting. Am I documenting a transformation within myself? How do I document that? I am consciously taking pictures of myself doing different tasks throughout the day, but I have to go and set up the camera and go back to doing what I was doing. Does that matter?  To be honest, this morning, for the first time, I “posed” outside reading a book and snapped a picture. I thought about it, and realized, I was just a model. I don’t know why I decided to pose this morning. I think I sometimes lose track of what it is I’m doing. Well if I even know..haha

I have found the project the last 9 days have really been helping my self perception. The more I look at the photos of my real life self. The more I don’t mind them. I’m not saying, I like them, But they aren’t so bad. Well, until this morning.

This is the image I “posed” for this morning. I don’t feel like it’s me.  I feel fat just looking at it. I was talking to someone yesterday about the idea that I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t think I ever have. I feel my personality, character traits, passion, intelligence, etc. are who I am, but they don’t fit in the body that I carry with me everywhere I go. I believe I am beautiful, but on the inside, not on the outside. My avatar Gracie allows me to feel beautiful on a whole different level.

What does all this mean? Why am I doing this? I think I’m just having an off day. Doubting myself.

I need to work through these questions though. What am I trying to show here. I can take pictures of Kris and Gracie all the time, but what does that mean? Why? Should I start focusing on specific subject matter? I think that is a key. What is the subject matter? Daily activities? What if the activities are the same everyday? Does that matter?

So anyway… I have a lot to think about as usual. I do have some ideas in my head, floating around up there, but can’t place them at this moment. I’m sure they will come up in future posts.

I will leave you with an image from Day 9, November 9th, 2009  if you don’t know. (Would you rather see the date on the images I show here? I’d love to hear your suggestions.)

And as always, thank you so much for your support!!! I welcome any feedback you’d like to offer.

So today is Day 8 of this journey that I’ve embarked on. So far so good. I am excited about where it will lead, but still getting my feet wet and trudging my way through. (Hmm I should be a creative writer!! Hahaha NOT) Today I pretty much stayed home and vegged all day. I have been so overwhelmed with ideas, work, school, bills, weight, eating, guys, money, car trouble, you name it… it’s on my mind..  I just needed a day to unwind, relax and not think about hardly anything.

I even took my time posting this update. But I wanted to get it out here. I want to keep up with this. I am finding the element of collaboration helping with the experience here. I had thought of a support group of sorts. Maybe in-world or out. Whatever works. I was talking to a friend earlier and I think art can have an amazing ability to spark conversation, dialogue and debate. This collaboration has almost become a ‘consciousness raising’ of sorts. Which I find really amazing. I thank you to all for contributing and hope you continue.

One of the great comments I received recently was about working towards a physical goal:

“I was also wondering about if there could be some kind of unification/integration between the two of you…. and  perhaps it could be a trajectory of sorts??? … I’m just thinking right now, what if you were to have some sort of  physical regime, in addition to the discipline of your documentation and all, to try to merge your real body with that of your ideal (Avatar) and or have her look more like how you look now (i only mention the other way first because it could only make you healthier physically and feel better mentally )??? Just a thought.” (Thank you so much Sabrina)

In regards to this comment. This is one of the ideas I had thought of when starting this project. Becoming more like Gracie, physically. I have said before that I am uncomfortable in my own skin. (and forgive me if I repeat myself. I find this is also like a journal, and I tend to just type in a stream of consciousness style). I can feel my fat. I can feel the bulges. I feel heavy. The last 3 months I have gained over 30 pounds. It is my fault. I have been binge eating. I admit I have issues. The fat has just gone right from the ice cream container onto my hips, stomach and butt. (where it never went before…ugh!!) Food has been a huge part of my emotional life for a long time. And not for the better. I have struggled with food issues for as long as I can remember. I am an emotional eater. I had a panic attack (again forgive me If I told this story already) almost 2 years ago. I thought it was an anaphylactic shock from food allergies. From this I developed a fear of the food I thought I was allergic too (due to false positive allergy testing). I was only eating a few foods. Period. I lost 30-40 pounds in just a few months and was down to 167.  In August I weighed 176, and today I weigh 199. I don’ t want to go up to my all time highest weight of 227. I don’t want to go above 200, but I fear the way I’ve been eating the last couple of days is gonna wreck that. That’s okay. I just won’t weigh myself for a couple weeks

Anyway. I am in counseling to help with the food issues. It’s all psychological. A lot of it stemming from childhood. I am becoming more aware and have an amazing counselor who is helping me work through this. For the last few months I have been trying foods that I was afraid of, and unfortunately I’m back to eating quite a bit.  Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream from Baskin Robbins and the Red bean and cheese burrito from Del Taco are the two main foods right now.

I used to know how to eat healthy. I used to know how to exercise right. Not that I did either of these things consistently. I want to try again though. I have realized that I can’t do it alone. What I am looking for in this project is empowerment. Even though I am both Gracie and Kris, it all comes from within. I know I can’t do it alone. I have tried. I need help. This collaboration with you is a huge start. Just the support I have received so far, is amazing, and I thank you again!!! I have contacted the Kinesiology department at CSU Northridge to see if they will work with me. Maybe I can work with a Graduate student there. I haven’t heard back yet, and will contact the fitness center next. I can’t afford a personal trainer or a cook, so this part is going to be tough. I am going to make an appointment with a nutritionist at school and go over a healthy eating plan. I am also going to make an appointment with my doctor just to make sure I am healthy. I want to be healthy and fit. That is the most important. I want to live a healthy lifestyle. I want to be able to dance and not feel the fat jiggling heavily on my thighs. I am tired of feeling fat, tired and unmotivated. Everyday I see people walking in their neighborhoods, walking for health, walking their dogs, walking just to get some fresh air. I envy them. I want to feel as good as they look. I just don’t yet. I saw my shadow while walking the other day, and didn’t like what I saw. I was slouched over a bit and just looked sloppy. I hate that, because I know that is not who I am.

Thank you again for your support!!!!