Decisions, Decisions.

So, I had a critique yesterday in my photography class. This was the first time I have really shown my project in “public” per se. I was pretty nervous. I had sent an email to my professor over a week ago asking if she could send the link for my blog to the class, as this blog is a huge part of the artwork. She did. The class had a week to check it out. Well, hardly anyone did. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I know it’s towards the end of the semester and everyone is scrambling to do their work, but I was rather frustrated. In a class that is as critique intensive as this, I would hope to get the same respect for my art as I give to the other students. I am just venting because this is really important to me. It’s very personal, and to put myself out there, work so hard and to be dismissed the way I was, was disappointing.

Anways, that being said, I wanted to talk about a few suggestions that were brought up. Here is an image of how I had the pictures displayed for the critique.

001

A huge idea that was brought up was whether I was aware of the camera when I took the photos of my real life self. I have been thinking about this all day. Does it matter, if I “pose”?  This is for documentation after all. I guess I have to consider what I’m documenting. Am I documenting a transformation within myself? How do I document that? I am consciously taking pictures of myself doing different tasks throughout the day, but I have to go and set up the camera and go back to doing what I was doing. Does that matter?  To be honest, this morning, for the first time, I “posed” outside reading a book and snapped a picture. I thought about it, and realized, I was just a model. I don’t know why I decided to pose this morning. I think I sometimes lose track of what it is I’m doing. Well if I even know..haha

I have found the project the last 9 days have really been helping my self perception. The more I look at the photos of my real life self. The more I don’t mind them. I’m not saying, I like them, But they aren’t so bad. Well, until this morning. 009

This is the image I “posed” for this morning. I don’t feel like it’s me.  I feel fat just looking at it. I was talking to someone yesterday about the idea that I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t think I ever have. I feel my personality, character traits, passion, intelligence, etc. are who I am, but they don’t fit in the body that I carry with me everywhere I go. I believe I am beautiful, but on the inside, not on the outside. My avatar Gracie allows me to feel beautiful on a whole different level.

What does all this mean? Why am I doing this? I think I’m just having an off day. Doubting myself.

I need to work through these questions though. What am I trying to show here. I can take pictures of Kris and Gracie all the time, but what does that mean? Why? Should I start focusing on specific subject matter? I think that is a key. What is the subject matter? Daily activities? What if the activities are the same everyday? Does that matter?

So anyway… I have a lot to think about as usual. I do have some ideas in my head, floating around up there, but can’t place them at this moment. I’m sure they will come up in future posts.

I will leave you with an image from Day 9, November 9th, 2009  if you don’t know. (Would you rather see the date on the images I show here? I’d love to hear your suggestions.)

And as always, thank you so much for your support!!! I welcome any feedback you’d like to offer.

Day09 copy

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9 thoughts on “Decisions, Decisions.

  1. Maybe it’s just me, but I wish Gracie looked more like you. The “real” you. Maybe you would be more comfortable with yourself if you weren’t forcing yourself to compare your body to hers every day. I have a lot of friends who don’t like their husbands look at other women because they don’t want the comparison. You are purposely doing that to yourself everyday. None of us can compare to the perfect imaginary image we would love to create of ourselves. You are beautiful and I wish I could see that more when I look at Gracie, but she seems to be a whole nother person to me.
    Sorry if that’s not what you were looking for.
    ♥ Kathy

  2. I don’t understand how you can take a picture of yourself *without* posing(?). Why would anyone ask that? Seems silly.

    Of course, you could set a camera up to take random pictures of yourself when you aren’t expecting it, but why would that be better? And then you would be “posing” your Avatarian self to match it anyway …. erm, see my point?

    Anyway, this project is very cool and definitely full of good feelings. Not because I (or anyone else, one would hope) thinks it’s what you should do, or what is best for you, but because YOU need to do it and are proceeding, despite reservations. Thats’ impressive.

  3. I feel fat when I see pictures of myself too, Kris. The person inside me does not match the person on the outside. My first body for my Princess avatar was unhealthily too thin, and my friends could not convince me to change it. It took over a year, closer to two years, before I was convinced to fill her out with a more womanly shape. And she is still thin. She is the self I used to look like, before I gained the weight. And I hold onto that. But maybe that is not healthy? Is she an inspiration, or a condemnation? I do not know. Curious to know what you think.

  4. You feel fat because you are fat! It is unhealthy to be overweight, and while it is not necessary to be modelesque, it is necessary to nurture your physical health. Ask yourself this – do you pay as much attention to your physical development and maintenance as your mental and spiritual development? All three components (physical, mental, emotional/spiritual) are necessary for a fulfilled life.

  5. Gracie,

    While I have come to know you as Gracie through second life, I am so excited that I am getting to know Kris through this blog. I really do love both sides of you, especially Kris. I wanted to tell you why.

    I’ve gotten to know much about who you are personality wise through our interactions on second life, and I am so happy we became friends. You are a fascinating person, and I have enjoyed all of our conversations.

    But now that I have seen the RL Gracie, I feel a stronger connection to you. This may sound silly, but you look very much like someone in my real life named Judith Eden.

    Judith is probably 2o or 25 years older than you, but you remind me of a younger version of her. You have the same body shape, the same hair, and the same taste in glasses.

    I love Judith very much. She is a downtown socialite in Philadelphia. She has served as a political mentor to me. She does a lot of fundraising for charities, is very involved in the arts, has an amazing art collection in her home, and was always great for exciting conversations about politics, philosophy, art, and religion.

    Unfortunately, we lost Judith last year to cancer. I was devestated when she died, and I miss her so much. But seeing pictures of you puts a smile to my face. It makes me think of the great things about Judith, and how much you remind me of her, not just in appearance, but in personality.

    I like the personality I have come to know as Gracie, and I like the physical appearance of Kris. I know that putting the two together makes an incredible person, and I cannot wait to meet that person in real life some day.

  6. You know the parable of the King’s new clothes… everybody’s afraid to say that they don’t see the clothes, till finally one brave kid says, “The King’s Naked!!!”

    That parable is completely wrong.

    We are *all* the little kid. In the jaded, self-referential culture that is the late 20th/early 21st century, we live to tell people that they’re stupid and naked.

    There’s nothing brave or courageous or visionary about this, it’s just how we entertain ourselves.

    In a world where everyone can’t yell “The King’s naked” fast enough, what *is* brave and courageous and beautiful and visionary, is to know that the king may well be naked, but to try to believe in the beautiful new clothes anyway.

    What is an extraordinary act of beauty and grace is to take the risk of being foolish, in order to believe… to choose to see the new clothes in spite of the risk, to choose to see the new clothes regardless of what anyone else thinks they see, regardless of what anyone else says.

    That, is visionary.

  7. i am sorry the critique was a disappointment. i like the photographs that have been taken since the “breakthrough” painting photograph. and i really like the silhouette idea. bigger, please.

  8. Kris.

    What an incredibly brave woman you are. I’m floored. You are putting yourself out there, warts and all (well, you don’t have any warts as far as I can see…) and maybe at this point you’re looking for acceptance from others, but in the end, sweetheart, you will be accepting yourself, and be soooooo far ahead of everyone in this game of life. Not Second Life. Real Life. I am so proud of you, so proud to know you, so uplifted by your bravery. I am confident that this “project” will be life-altering. In the end, Kris, just realize … you are admired and loved.
    –Laura

    Gracie –
    As you are a manifestation of Kris, in Second Life, maybe you started out as Kris wanted to be in real life. I’ve known you a long time. I’ve known Kris a little less. I am so glad you’re part of both my lives. You’re just as talented and creative and giving as Kris is. You know how to be a true friend, just like Kris does. You are fun, your laugh is incredibly infectious. You bring sunshine with you every time you log in, even though you don’t feel it behind the monitor, your avatar exudes it. You make people feel good. You make ME feel good, and you inspire me with your creativity, and your willingness to share your knowledge and enthusiasm for art. I love that you’re helping Kris do this, and am looking forward to reading the rest of the entries. I know I have a lot of catching up to do, but I am incredibly impressed by Kris, and by extension, you.
    –Jordan

    • OMG, you’re making me cry!!!
      Laura/Jordan, Thank you so so so much for your gracious words.
      Like you, I have known Laura and Jordan for a while now, and love both of you equally, and am so glad to call you one of my best friends 🙂
      You have helped make both my second life and real life what they are today and I am sooo thankful to have you in both lives. Even when I spout comments like “I will not date until I finish my thesis” or when I “pull a Gracie” and act like a ditz, you have always stuck with me. You have been an amazing rock for me and I love you for that 🙂 Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🙂 And btw, you do have a lot of catching up to do 😛 hehehe

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