Great Expectations!!

Gracie- So, How was your Tuesday?

Kris- It was ok.

G- Just ok?

K- Yea..hahaha

G- Why are you laughing?

K- Oh I was thinking that whenever anyone asks how I am, which is quite often, I always say, “I’m ok.”

G- Is that bad?

K- No, It could be worse. It could be better.

G- True.

K- It’s just boring. I was talking to Micah earlier, and I asked him how he was. He said, “I’m excellent.” I was thinking, WOW, to feel excellent would be amazing. I get tiny bits of ‘good’ every once in a while, but I don’t know if I’ve ever had excellent. I guess it’s something to strive for.

G- Yea, absolutely. So you are feeling ok? What’s on your mind?

K- Oh, my job of course.

G- Why your job?

K- Just thinking of what happened on Saturday and dreading going in tomorrow. You should never dread going to work. That is a not a good thing.

G- No, you should love where you work.

K- I don’t mind it, really. Except when things happen like they did on Saturday.

G- Well you talked with your counselor about it today, how did that go?

K- Sighs!!! It was really good, but I can’t remember most of it.

G- Really?

K- Yea. I remember talking about the idea that it was important that I was able to defend myself even if I didn’t “win” per se. It showed a little bit of confidence coming through which is a good thing. It’s funny, everyone I have told about the argument has said, “You? In an argument?” Hahaha No one, even myself, had ever expected ME to get into an argument. That is just not my style.

G- Well maybe it is a good thing. You have been going through so much lately that maybe you are starting to open up and really “feel” again.

K- Yea, maybe. But I still am second guessing myself. I have very high expectations for myself and when someone attacks me verbally in the way I was attacked and made to feel so small, It really strips away your/my confidence. I have to realize, that I am not perfect. No one is. I can’t expect to be.

G- That’s a start. I mean even I’m not perfect. As ideal as you may think I am, I’m really not. Did you see me sitting in meditation the other day? My legs were all distorted… geesh!!! And of course, you didn’t use THAT picture did you? Why? Because it showed an imperfection in me, Gracie! You need to get used to the idea that I’m not perfect either.

K- Good point. So you want me to start taking pictures of your imperfections?

G- Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but you will have to see where things go. Take it day by day.

K- Yea true.

G- Ok, so, you work tomorrow, Wednesday, right?

K- Yea.

G- What are you going to do? What if the person is there who made you feel bad about yourself?

K- I don’t know.

G- Well first, you have to stop caring what other people think of you. Like your counselor said, you can’t think of other people. They may talk. So what? You are better than that. Move on.

K- Yea, I know. I need to remember that.

G- Yes!!! People say mean things all the time. Who knows why. They may have had a bad day, week or year. You can’t let it get to you!!!

K- yea, I know. As the days go on, I am getting over it. And I’m sure when I go to work tomorrow, I will be ok. It’s just the first day back since it happened so I’m dreading it.

G- Yea, but it will be fine. Just be yourself. Don’t think about anyone else.

K- Yea, thx.

G- So what else have you been up to? I heard you ate horribly yesterday?

K- Ummmm yea. Well, to tell you the truth, all I ate was 2 quarts of mint chocolate chip ice cream and some M&M’s.

G- OMG, Why???

K- Well, good question. Maybe because it was there, and I could? I know it was awful. It was horrible. Today at least I had California Chicken Cafe… first. Well then I had ice cream this evening.

G- Geezzzzzz!!!

K- Yea, I know. I know.

G- No, apparently, you don’t!!!

K- Gee Thx. Give me some credit, at least.

G- For what? You aren’t stopping? Why can’t you stop?

K- I don’t know. Ice cream, M&M’s and Del Taco are convenient. They are easy. I think It’s a control thing. I can control what I eat by eating the bad stuff. I feel better when at least something in my life is in control.

G- What do you mean?

K- Well I guess I feel like right now my life is out of control. Well, not completely. I mean I am not THAT bad. Just overwhelmed, so it feels out of control. Sometimes.

G- But you are working on it, right?

K- Yes I am. One day at a time 🙂

G- Good.

K- Hey, question for ya?

G- Yea?

K- Who is the hot guy you are chatting up on Day 17?

G- Hahahaha, Chrome? Oh, he’s an amazing artist and a great confident and friend. Come on, you know him!!! He’ll like that you called him hot though!!

K- Hahahaha. Yea, I’m sure he will.

G- Better not let Juliette find out you think he’s hot though!!

K- Yea, really!! She’s a tough broad. Well, Hey, I’m getting good at arguing. Not necessarily winning, but at least I am learning!!

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One thought on “Great Expectations!!

  1. Kris, I so hear you with what you say about eating being about *control.* When I was young, I didn’t eat because it was the only thing in my life I had any control over. As an adult, I overeat for the same reason. Because I *can*.

    And I’ve been where you are about having to face a coworker or other person you have argued with. Not fun. Try to let go of it; it probably means more to you than it does to them.

    This form of narrative journaling is very interesting, and I would hope cathartic for you.

    I like your project very much. It makes me think a lot about myself, and my own expectations of self-perfection.

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