“This is why you’re FAT”

So the last few days I’ve been reading this book “This is why you’re FAT” by Jackie Warner. I actually really like it a lot. It explains how your body works in relation to the different vitamins and nutrients in good foods. It helps paint a clearer picture of how BAD sugar is. I have been really motivated to change my food lifestyle and take back control of my life.

So why am I sitting hear eating a quart of mint chocolate chip ice cream??? Good question.

First of all, it’s so damn hot. Yes, I know, I shouldn’t complain. I live in the beautiful Southern California and we normally have the most amazing weather. And I’m really not one to complain, but this is for my blog, so I have the right. I have been hot. I figure it’s probably the excess weight I’m carrying…hahaha. Anyway, back to the reason I’m fat.

Second, I worked a graveyard shift last night in the ER. 7pm to 7am. You don’t even want to know my eating habits at work especially at these hours. So I get home from work this morning at 730, jump right in bed, and am immediately woken up at 8am to the neighbor jack-hammering their driveway. (For 3 weeks now, and they have barely gotten anything done…sighs!! But I said I don’t complain, so I’m not..LOL) I fell back to sleep off and on till about 1130ish am. I woke looked at the clock and said, “Well Shit.” I figured I didn’t want to sleep the day away, and I can sleep normal hours tonight. So I got up. I knew I had to eat something, but I don’t have anything in the house. I have my grocery list ready to go, but was too tired to go shopping. So I went to Carls Jr and got a Western Bacon Cheeseburger hold the onion rings and BBQ sauce and an Oreo Shake (too cool off of course).

I came home, ate and did some painting while I watched the latest episode of “True Blood.” Unfortunately it took 4 hours to watch a 55 minute episode because the online video kept buffering. It was the best version I could find and I wanted to see what happened, so I painted while watching it.

When I was done, I was hungry. I still didn’t want to go grocery shopping and wanted to cook even less. I got the thought of Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream in my mind. And I had to have some. (I actually haven’t had any for about 2 months. Although I’ve had other forms of ice cream.) So, I went out in the heat and got 2 quarts. I ended up eating 3/4 of a quart and I threw the rest out, including the 2nd quart. I shouldn’t have bought it.

I have a picture up on my computer of me about 1 1/2 years ago, when I was much thinner. I carry around an envelope of pictures of when I was thinner. I want to be thin. So why is it so hard? I have so many thoughts and dreams and hopes and wishes. I have a vision of my life that is so clear, why is it so hard to get there. I feel like there is a wall, that I can’t jump over or get around. This wall of course is me. I am hindering myself, but I don’t know why.

I have been thinking of Gracie a lot lately. I haven’t been able to spend much time with her because of work. I am working 5 days a week, 12 hours a day. I am just so exhausted, I feel I don’t have a life, first or second. Is this why I’m fat???

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2 thoughts on ““This is why you’re FAT”

  1. Well, so…

    This is probably really unhelpful of me 🙂 but why care if you’re fat? If that part of the way that you want your life to be is getting in the way of the rest, let it go for now. Look at your thoughts and dreams and hopes and wishes that don’t involve fatness or not-fatness, and work on those for awhile.

    There isn’t that much in life that actually requires thinness… 🙂

    • Dale, thx so much for your comment. I totally understand and respect what you’re saying. For me though, I am uncomfortable being fat. Some people can accept it, but I can’t. Of course, If I was healthier, that would be different too. I mean I am healthy. Just out of shape, which isn’t good, when you’re carrying around a lot of extra weight. I am trying to concentrate on one thing at a time. I need to take back control of my life, in all respects. Part of that is eating and excercise. Other parts are my art, teaching, my job, etc. So many variables, it gets out of control. I think I feel that controlling food is a start, even though I am still not in control of it. It’s a vicious circle that’s for sure…LOL

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