“What people think about you”

Sighs!!!!

It’s 630am on a Sunday and I’m awake… Figured it’s the perfect time to update my blog 🙂

(I have been trying to attach images, I have a new comic… but for some reason they aren’t attaching. I don’t know if it’s due to the malware problem I had a month or so ago, or a firewall issue… I can’t attach images to my mail either… BUT I can attach to Facebook, twitter and plurk…so who knows. {You can add me on FB at Kristine Schomaker, Twitter as Gracie Kendal, and Plurk as Gracie Kendal- I think..LOL})

Anyway… I woke up thinking about a pie chart my friend, Mako posted on plurk the other day. The chart is titled “What People Think About You.” A tiny slice of the chart says “you’re funny.” A little bigger slice says “You’re Ugly,” and a little bigger slice says “You’re good but could be better.” The remaining portion, which is more than 3/4 of the chart, says “Nothing! Stop caring about it, people don’t give a fuck about you and you too!” Of course this is meant to be funny, a joke and it seriously is… Hahaha But, it got me thinking about our perception of what people think about us.

I know I am always wondering what people think of me. Not in the narcissistic, egotistical way, but in the low self esteem, low self confidence way. If I say something stupid or silly or “wrong” do people dwell on it and think, “OMG she is an idiot?” Or, If I wear the “wrong” thing, do people judge me and base their ideas of me on how I look? Does that perception carry over so when people think of me, that is all they think about, the bad stuff?

Hmmmm maybe now we are getting to the crux of the matter. Why do I have such a negative self image of myself? Besides some of the internal issues I’m working through… a large part of it us our society. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. Well at least I felt overweight even when I probably wasn’t. ( I say this as I look back on pictures from even 5-10 years ago and think… WOW I wasn’t that bad after all.) I am sure part of this is because of how our culture believes that thin is beautiful, fat is ugly. Unfortunately, it’s true. Every TV ad you see, every magazine article/ad shows beautiful thin men and women and they say “This is how you get success. This is how you find true love. This is who you want to be. If you aren’t this thin, beautiful person, you won’t be happy.” I am able to think critically about this now, but the damage is done. These thoughts are always in the back of my mind. After years of reinforcement of not feeling wanted and needed, loved and supported. After being dismissed, judged, criticized, discriminated against for who I am… it is hard not to believe it.

I have an eating disorder. I have been going to an amazing eating disorder support group the past few weeks and have started to look at why food has controlled my life for so long. The people in this group are of all different sizes, shapes, genders, ethnicities, yet we all have the same issues we are dealing with which have nothing to do with food. Each session has been even more powerful in opening up and realizing who I am and who I want to be away from the outside world of TV, Magazines, etc. I still have a long way to go, but it’s a start.

As long as I am dealing with these issues, Gracie is right beside me. It doesn’t matter if Gracie is thin, beautiful, smart, etc… she is me, and we are working through this together.

I am sorry for not posting more the past couple months. Hopefully that will change, especially when I get my attachment problems figured out.

Thank you all so much for your support!!!

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4 thoughts on ““What people think about you”

  1. I think it is a very natural human instinct to be concerned with our social health. When you scrape a few thousand years of civilization off the surface, you get to a much deeper core of tribalism that sustained our existence of many long ages.

    We are yin and yang tho – the need to belong and be accepted interacts constantly with a rebellious individualism that has also driven our evolution.

    It strikes me that your post as wonderfully expressed this polarity, and I applaud your honesty in being so personal about it.

    Right with ya sista.

  2. Hang in there Gracie 🙂 I have my own eating disorder (anorexia) and enough low self-esteem to be both Jewish and Catholic simultaneously (and probably a sprinkling of other groups known for huge guilt complexes).

    Just remember,advertising is advertising. One of the best things I ever heard was Cindy Crawford on a talk show saying, “Look, when I wake up in the morning, I don’t ‘look like Cindy Crawford’. It takes 10 people and three hours of makeup, styling and dressing to make me look like ‘Cindy Crawford’.”

    Having seen exactly how productions shoots go for magazine ads and tv commercials, the amount of stage wizardry, theatre and downright manipulation of appearances would make Steven Spielberg proud.

    Dresses ripped and taped together in back, clamped with hair clips, binder clips, glue, hairbands; 10 lights carefully angled to shadow “unpleasing” but real contours, slabs of pancake makeup and even airbrushing straight-to-skin, awkward poses a yoga master would complain about to minimize natural body weight… the list goes on forever.

    It’s all designed to keep you anxious, no matter what your status (“Rich… but impotent? Try Viagra©!”) and to keep you dissatisfied with your own being and natural humanness. You might be thin this season…. but next season you will be “heroin chic” and all washed up. Red is in, blue is out; blue is in, grey is out… endlessly.

    As another famous commercial personality says, “I can’t take that deal!” Three cheers for you being you! ^_^

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