As I sit here and gaze at this beautiful robust woman, why can’t I see my own beauty? I have seen this sculpture many times since it’s been displayed in Second Life, the last time probably 5ish months ago. I have always thought she was fabulous, but I never compared myself to her. I always felt I was thinner than her. I didn’t have the big stomach and definitely not the huge breasts. She has a much bigger build than my 5’4″ medium frame.
Today I watch her resting on this pedestal and I’m still in awe. I also sit here and realize that I AM looking more like her, but where is my beauty? For the first time in my life, my stomach now has a pouch, or in urban slang, a muffin top? My thighs and arms are bigger around and my neck is most definitely fatter than it was only months ago. I don’t see myself as beautiful.
Today, I am still not comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be. I want to be healthy, fit, beautiful, but for me. People tell me I’m beautiful, desirable, lovely. But If I can’t see it, or don’t believe it, what is the point?
I started ‘The Gracie Kendal Project- A Conversation with my Avatar” over a year ago. It culminated in my art piece “My life as an Avatar” which was were I transformed into my Avatar Gracie by coloring my hair platinum, getting my nose pierced and buying clothes that I thought Gracie would wear. I had wanted to push the boundaries even further to include dating, going out dancing with friends in real life and going to more art galleries, museums, concerts and shows too. Because of time and money constraints, I wasn’t able to.
I have decided to continue on with the project “My life as an Avatar” Part II and transform into the ‘real person’ that Gracie Kendal. Of course, Gracie is me. I am totally myself as Gracie. But I need to find Gracie within my real, physical self too. This project is a continuation of the self exploration I had begun over a year ago. I am still in search of my inner Gracie, my inner beauty.
I am going to start Day 01 on 01-01-11 at 11:11am pst/slt. My goal will be to continue the project for 11 months 11 days and 11 hours. The number’s 0 and 1, binary numbers, are so important to the computer world, this is a perfect way of representing how much the virtual will affect the real.
I have a list of rules and resolutions I am going to stick with. So many people form resolutions on New Years, but how many really keep them? Here is my list, which will most definitely be added on to as the days, weeks and months go on… As I write this list, I keep the phrase ‘baby steps’ in mind. I am not going to jump head first into something that will fail. By starting slowly, this will be a success!!!
1. Starting 1-1-11 at 11:11am pst/slt I will walk around the block at least once every day for 21 days. (They say it takes 21 days to form a habit)
2. Every day, even if it is my day off work, I will take a shower, do my hair and put on make-up.
3. After the first 21 days of walking, I will add to my walks by practicing Yoga for 21 days.
4. After the second 21 days of Yoga, I will add to Yoga by joining a dance studio and learning to dance.
5. Starting 1-1-11 at 11:11am pst/slt I will quit eating Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream every day and eat 3-5 small meals a day including protein, vegetables and fruit.
6. 1-5-11 I am seeing a dietician to figure out how to eat right.
7. Every Saturday morning I will continue to go to my Eating Disorder Support Groups.
8. At least 5 days/nights per month I will go to different art museums and galleries.
9. I will go to at least 1 show, play, concert, event each month (can be anywhere, any amount of money).
10. Starting 1-1-11 at 11:11am pst/slt I will practice being silly. (maybe after I get back from my walk)
11. Starting 1-1-11 at 11:11am pst/slt I will go out on at least 1 date a month. (Remember baby steps!)
12. I will put $30 a paycheck into savings every two weeks.
13. I am going to continue on my search for spirituality.
14. Oh… ummmm and Gracie will quit smoking starting 1-1-11 at 11:11am pst/slt
This is where I am at so far. I most definitely welcome any suggestions for the list.
I am working on figuring out how I should document all of this. IE: Pictures, video, written documentation via calender of the resolutions, etc.
I am also planning on doing some shared reality performance pieces which will include myself and Gracie. In fact, I am looking at ways to make Gracie my ‘personal trainer.’ I have also heard of real life gyms who are working in Second Life and I’m checking to see if there is any possibility of working with them.
Like I said, i am still in the planning stages. I have a few days left before I begin, so welcome any suggestions advice etc.
Thank you all so much for your support!!!!