I still get asked why Gracie smokes. I don’t smoke in RL. I never have, never will.
But for Gracie to smoke, without the smell or the taste, only the action, I believe it makes her less perfect and more human.
I have a wart on my nose.
Do you see it? Probably not.
I see it because I look at myself every day.
I stare in the mirror, maybe obsessing… always thinking about my faults, my imperfections, Where is my beauty?
Why can’t I look past the wart?
Why do I project my feelings of inadequacy, of insecurity, of lack of self confidence on every one I meet.
They won’t like me because I’m fat, because I am not attractive, because I have crossed eyes, because I have a big nose, because I have a wart.
They won’t like me. They won’t like me. They won’t like me.
And if they do, what then?
Maybe it’s not about change. Maybe it’s about acceptance? But accepting who I am, means I need to know who I am too.
The Truth about Gracie and Kris
Have you seen the movies “The Truth about Cats and Dogs” and “Roxanne?” Or read the famous story of Cyrano de Bergerac. In each of these stories there was a main character who was self conscious about his/her physical appearance and a secondary character who was used as a ‘puppet’ (avatar?) because of their ideal looks. It occurred to me that these relationships bare a huge similarity to the relationship that I have with Gracie. In the two contemporary movies, in the end, the main character ultimately gets their love despite what they look like. They accept who they are and realize they are worthy, desirable, beautiful. (The media got something right for once!!)
I totally understand this and believe it is real and possible but I can’t just turn on a switch and wake up one day and be enlightened. I wish it worked that way. That is why I am in counseling and go to an eating disorder support group. That being said…
Gracie is smoking again. Yes, it’s true. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t smoke in RL. Never have, never will. Smoking in SL, has become a symbol for me. A symbol of everything I am going through in RL. Maybe smoking is filling a void? or comfort? It is actually almost relaxing to me when Gracie smokes. It is funny though. On Jan 1st, I threw out all of Gracie’s cigarettes in her inventory. I was looking for Gracie’s next fix and found one last cigarette hidden in our ‘outfit.’ (BTW… Smoking in SL, isn’t bad for you!!!)
Now to get down to business. You may be wondering how I am doing with my rules I set out to work on the beginning of the year. I have actually been avoiding posting anything here, because I didn’t know what to say. The truth is, I haven’t been following the rules. This last week or so have been so overwhelming. I had so much on my mind, I couldn’t get it all straight, much less follow damn rules I set out to do…LOL I am still going to continue on with my transformation, I’m just revisiting why I’m doing it, what I am going to do and how.
At the same time, I read Tricia Aferdita’s blog post “Resolve to be Happy.” She starts of by saying, “I have learned over the past few years that the more I am pressured by outside forces to do something, the less likely I am to do it.” This totally caught my attention. I am totally this way. She goes on to say, “So. This is what I say to all of you. Don’t resolve to exercise more, eat well, go to the gym, cut out caffeine, etc… Get to the core of what causes you NOT to do those things. What makes you happy? What is making you unhappy? Is it a work situation? A relationship? Let go of what puts you in this place. Step outside of your comfort zone. Isn’t it funny that we hang on to stressful, painful spaces in our lives because we are afraid of change? We’re afraid to move on and see what’s out there when it may be that very thing that makes you happy. Feel the fear and do it anyway.” No Fear Tricia, No Fear!!!
I resolve to be happy!!!!
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