Day 10 of Project 365: Fear

I had a dream last night… the parts I remembered I immediately typed out on my phone to Facebook…LOL It was the closest thing to record it that I could find.

Had a long depressing dream I was living with a group of women dancers kinda like the movie Sirens but it was all black and white. I had borrowed 2 diff cars from them that got stolen and I was a no show to work. Everytime I tried to call work the phone wouldn’t work. The girls at this home were so upset with me I was being ignored and I was living in this misery in my head of guilt for letting the cars get stolen and not showing to work. When I was finally able to call the number went to a coworkers house and not work. Ugh!!!

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I had a couple friends offer to interpret the dream:

1. Had a long depressing dream I was living with a group of women dancers kinda like the movie Sirens but it was all black and white. >>

K, read the wiki on the film, which I’ve never seen, so I’m winging it on that subject- so you’re living with your muses- they are part of your life, they surround you. You have adequate “inspiration”- which is sometimes troublesome. Black and white often either signifies essentials- ie “this is the way it is, period.” or it can mean limitation and a flattening of perception- sort of a stimulatory depression- meaning that while you have “inspiration”, it has become kind of rote or a trap, rather than a muse.

<<I had borrowed 2 diff cars from them that got stolen and I was a no show to work.>>

Your “vehicles”, derived from these inspirations, have disappeared. Another version of saying you’re not feeling it lately. “no show to work” means you’re not “putting out”- again, same message.

<<Everytime I tried to call work the phone wouldn’t work. The girls at this home were so upset with me I was being ignored and I was living in this misery in my head of guilt for letting the cars get stolen and not showing to work.>>

There’s a pretty apt illustration of the cycle here- the phone symbolizes how you can’t summon up the will to work, it’s dysfunctional, the “muses” have abandoned you, there’s guilt re. all of the above which doesn’t help a dang thing, and, again, you can’t work with all that noise in your head.

<<When I was finally able to call the number went to a coworkers house and not work. Ugh!!!>>

You’re able to “be there” for others who are creatives, but can’t do it yourself right now.

…All of the above tells me that you’re in one of those famous “blocked” periods [which I’ve gone through many times]. Either that, or you fear it, and your subconscious is putting that fear forward for you to examine.

2. Wow! Sounds like you’re letting go of something valuable …. something you had a lot of support with and for some reason you question or doubt this ‘action’…although it was perfectly ok….. people ignoring you ‘could mean’ something of an ‘inner struggle’ with self……of course it’s all up to interpretation according more to ‘your perception, the feeling of depressed just seems to be a personal struggle that you ‘let go of’ but still can’t quite get over.

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Both of these really ring true. I have been struggling with art lately. Creating it, being around it, enjoying it, being afraid of it… Yes I have been afraid. I am embarking on something very new to me. These mannequins are kicking my ass!! They have been more work emotionally and physically than ever before. Even the Gracie projects were a piece of cake. I can’t really explain why the mannequins have drained me. Maybe it is fear. I am so excited about this new series of works. I think I am afraid they won’t be what I want them to be. I am afraid They will fall apart. I am afraid they will fall over. I am afraid they will be  ugly. I am afraid. Afraid.

Maybe I am just afraid of success. The above fears are unfounded of course. As with any art, anything could happen to them as I well know. (A few months ago I poked a hole in a painting by mistake. And when I moved in here a few paintings were ‘lost’)

Thinking about my previous post, I am trying to change my perception and not think of the fear. I am just trying to think of work. I just need to keep at it and continue creating and everything will fall into place. I have faith!

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